via Narcissism

Narcissism is a word that brings me into a panic attack just reading it. The stomach drops, the heart races, the tears form and the rage builds in my chest like I am going to explode with life and death all at once. It’s a concept whose definition I understood completely before I know the actual word the definition described. Once I realized (actually, was told by my and my husbands’ therapists) that I was not just fighting addiction but pure narcissism, I knew I had to surrender. A person may be able to live with and help a loved one cope with one or the other without losing themselves in the process. But when they’re both active and unacknowledged by the person afflicted, the threat isn’t losing the sense of self, it’s the ultimate threat. Now I know where the two strokes in 2 years came from with no other contributing conditions. My children deserve their mother and I deserve to be alive, especially when remaining in the condition I was in and remaining at risk for a more severe stroke was a choice I could make. So bring on the trauma counselor, the co-dependent support meetings and the pain of leaving… just over a month later, I am divorced. It’s been a crazy month but I’m back and have to much to share…