I began writing my personal journal for no particular audience. It started with one essay, ‘Loving An Addict”. I have spoken in the months following to so many others who can relate, are looking for a common sense of understanding or are looking for a place to discuss going through the same things that brought me to write here. If anyone finds a feeling of comfort in knowing they are not alone in experiencing these things that make us feel lost, I hope they also find this place helpful to finding our new selves.
In the same months, my life quickly changed. I felt I had reached a critical point where I had to make a run forward to a different life without my husband in it. The struggle to break the co-dependence and co-addiction I have to him is not over although the marriage was quickly ended. Every day is a struggle, and I’m trying to find this new life of mine and make it a healthier one.
My first marriage was to a bipolar man with whom I had two children, who are the reason I make hard choices. When he went unmedicated and refused to treat his increasingly volatile and abusive mood disorder, I had to leave my best friend and dreams of family behind. I thought that was the worst point of my life.
I thought I had met the person that would restore balance to my life – and instead found a person that has become loved and hated by me at the most profound level. I cannot imagine life without him, even as I sit in my home that he has been gone from for months. His addiction to drugs and gambling had destroyed our relationship and his relationship with my kids, who loved him and thought of him as lovingly as their own father. But in recent years it became apparent that we were not only fighting addiction but a severe personality disorder that I hadn’t really known a thing about until our therapist told me what it was – and that I should run.
I’m not sure how life has brought me to the point where I have lost two life partners, but here I am, and struggling with feelings of loss, shame, confusion, pride, anxiety, worry, hopelessness, and sometimes excitement for the future – too many feelings to comprehend and sort without writing it down a bit. So here we are. It’s good to meet you. Welcome to my corner of the world – if you’re in any sort of place similar to where I find myself, you’re welcome to make it yours, too.